A Valentine’s letter to God


Dear Father,
I’m sorry.
I haven’t been talking much to you lately.
No, actually, I haven’t been listening to you all that much.
I don’t know exactly why or when it happened. I just kept putting it off. When I call you up, or acknowledge your presence, it’s more to talk at you. Not, you know, talk with.
Why does that happen?
I love you so much. I want to hear you, to see your hand on my life.
Am I afraid of something that I think you might say?
Am I hiding from some truth you need to impart?
I don’t know. That’s more than probable, I guess.
I know that I have been struggling lately with what I think my life should be like at this moment in time. We build up these fantasies in our minds about the grand things we will accomplish at some arbitrary time we’ve selected. Then we find ourselves just being disappointed.
My dreams feel as if they are turning to dust within my grasp at this very moment.
I had plans, I had goals!
I seem to have nothing to show for it.
Father, I feel rather useless at this time. Perhaps, I fear, that you see me that way as well. Maybe, maybe that’s why I haven’t been turning my ear to hear your soft voice.
I struggle to open your message and find the encouragement that I know for a fact is there. Waiting. Waiting for me to be brave enough.
I’m always rather, cavalier might be the word? about telling others that I’m waiting on your guidance. I am. That’s not what I’m almost indifferent about, but rather the attitude I attach to the waiting. Or is it what I’m showing the world?
I believe that you can guide my steps. But, am I eagerly awaiting your guidance? Maybe eagerly isn’t the word. Trepidation? Maybe that’s a little bit closer. I could probably fill this letter with the thesaurus, it helps me skirt the issue.
I feel like I should be moving, but instead, it’s like I’m glued where I’m standing. With blinders on, so I can’t even turn to see the way.
It’s this weird pull and push feel. I know I’m where I’m supposed to be right this moment. (Example: living with my 99 year old client is where you have me. I think this is possible for at least one more year, but maybe two.)
But, I feel as if there is something I’m supposed to be doing at the same time. What?
That’s the million dollar question, Ranelle.
I keep questioning how my struggle with education (i.e. getting my Master’s) will play out in my life.
Will my Master’s in Divinity be simply used in my local church? Not, that my church isn’t worthy of me using it to teach Sunday school, but I thought counseling was the dream…
What about the 8 long years of being forced to break new ground at my school in regards to finding the ties between Theology and Disabilities? 75 pages later and a failed attempt at a class, the school seems to have no interest in it.
But, the class seems to have sprouted legs and ran across the country to come to fruition under different leadership. Bittersweet for sure, excited though I am for another school to catch the bug for the issue.
I saw and felt your hand through every step of that fight, God. Now I wonder, did I falter? Did I fail you? Or was it just so I could see the blessings in my own struggle with learning disabilities?
What am I missing?
I know that you love me, that your dreams are so much bigger than I can even imagine. But, I’m afraid that I’ll miss them. That I’ll be so busy looking at my poor misguided dreams and not see the huge one you are driving towards me.
Are you perhaps saying, that my dreams are too limiting? That they were good to get me from point A to point B but your dreams for me will take me to point Z?
Isn’t it funny? I’m just as afraid of your big dream for my life as I am of you not having a dream for me.
Of me just being…me.
No assurances of me being special, or of me playing a key role in the grand scheme of things. Of me, just simply being average.
I wonder God, if all of your children have that secret fear as well? Do we all aspire to be truly amazing and fear we are mediocre instead?
Do we become mediocre when we let the fear of failure get in the way of listening to you?
I believe you as the Creator God never made a mistake in the making of your children. That’s what you forced me to come to realize when you made me work on that paper. I believe each person you have given the chance to be on this earth, has a beautifully messy purpose here.
But, because you are a just God who wants true worship, you gave us freewill.
And we – with freewill– have totally ignored our purposes and masked them with flimsy dreamscapes. Where your truth lies uneasily under our fabricated realities, poking holes trying to make us aware of more.
You know so much more and want to give us so much more.
But, afraid we cling to the darkness and the falsehoods we have built around us like a cocoon.
Father, make my life a love note to you. Remind me that though I only see the ugly, bumbling, hungry caterpillar, you see the brilliant, made new, freed butterfly in all its shining colors.
Remind me, when the world gets too loud with its false encouragements, that you see me as just right. That you see me as your redeemed child, just perfect for that special mission built for the gifts that you gave me.
Remind me, that I am special. You deemed me special, because you had your Son die a horrible death to save me.
Remind me Lord, that I am yours.
Make my life your love note.
My dreams are small in comparison to your’s. They have served their purpose, now help me serve mine.
Dream your dreams for me.
I want to walk down any path you lead me to, so please help me to see it laid out before me.
Though I am sure to stumble for I am weak of flesh, please help me to keep walking for you are strong.
Hard though it is, help me release the “should’ves, the need tos, the would’ves, and the have tos.”
This Valentine’s day, I recommit my love to you.
Your love is the only thing that can keep me on the right path and not stuck in my mind. I want to love you so deeply that I can never hear the words of doubt that dance in my mind. I want to love you so much that I race to the end of the known and jump into the dream only you know. I want to love you so much that fear has no hold upon me.
Use me Lord.

Casting Crowns “Dream for you”¬† {listen


A Year of blogging, Easter, quilting, and 27 years

This has been a busy last two week! I celebrated my first full year of blogging at the end of March! ūüėČ ¬†I’m actually surprised that I have done so. But, here we are. Hopefully, I’m saying something at least a bit interesting for the ‘Net world! Thanks for all of those who check into my blog, it’s an encouragement to see those numbers in the statistics.

Over my spring break I have learned how to sew with the help of a friend, making my first two quilting projects- a wall hanging and two reversible pillows. I think I have possibly found a new hobby!

Then of course, this last weekend- got to spend some time with my wonderfully awesome grandparents for an early Easter dinner. Then I participated in my church’s prayer vigil before Easter.

Prayer vigils are so interesting. I actually over went my¬†allotted¬†time because I was in such a good place- reading through the¬†prophecies¬†that Jesus Christ the Messiah fulfilled as foretold¬†by Isaiah. Prayer has this ability of cleaning out your mind and if you do it correctly change your heart. We don’t do it nearly enough nor long enough. I am attempting to make it more of an active part in my life.

Easter- Church brunch and a sermon on a beautiful day. I love my church. It’s a wonderful family that supports and loves each other. Sure we have our issues just like any family, but we work together.

It is now my 27th birthday. 27 years of life. Life is full of beauty and tears. I’m starting to learn how to see the beauty IN the tears. This last year in particular, tears have flown¬†mightily while saying good bye to 6 dear people who have shaken this mortal coil. I know that five of them will be waiting for me when I reach the gates of heaven, but sadly I don’t know about that 6th one. I¬†ended up¬†having a friendship end over reasons that still don’t make¬†sense¬†to me, even after trying to reconcile with this person numerous times.

I had the pleasure of seeing 6 friends join in marriage this last year along with a few new babies joining us. ¬†(Things seem to happen in 6s’ around me¬†recently!)¬†I’ve made friends with new people, had the chance to play ‘mentor’ to a wonderful 90 year old woman, got to get to know a wonderful female missionary, and so many other beautiful relational moments.¬†I have deepened my relationships with 6 women who have been so encouraging to me.¬†God truly blessed me with some awe-inspiring talks with some lovely women.

Blessings have been coming¬†to¬†me in so many odd moments that have just continually inspire me.¬†Possibilities¬†are abounding for me right now and I’m eager to learn what God has planned for my next year. God has big plans with me and he is giving me some really¬†inspiring¬†women to encourage me.

I will keep learning wherever I go because- If I’m not learnin’ I’m dyin’!

This next year will be epic no matter where God takes me!


God has plans for me. He has plans for you. God has plans for each person that has, is,  and will be walking on this earth. We were made for a purpose, something that only we can do, at that perfectly designed time. They might be world changing moments or moments that change one person. Each person has an extremely important  thing they must do, sometimes we complete that purpose and sometimes we do not.

God continually sets us into places where we can live out our purpose. I am in the process of trying to figure out if the opportunities that are being placed before me are truly what and how God wants me to work in fulfilling my own purpose.¬†I know WHAT God wants me to do, just not the HOW of doing it. My concern with this is that I do everything in line with God’s will, no matter my own fear. In the last three weeks possibilities have been thrown at me and I am in a daze.

I am desperately seeking prayer right now, from anyone who is willing to pray for me.

Trying to explain the concern I have to others who know me makes it seem as if I’m afraid- which I admit I am in some ways. But the true concern I have is that the opportunities that are being presented are truly what God has planned for me.

He has given me the passion for a topic that is rarely talked about. Now he is presenting me with the ways to get that topic out into the mainstream of communication.

God has plans for me. I just pray that I am truly hearing his leading and not others’ promptings.I am praying also that I work pass my own fear so that I don’t ‘refuse’ to hear God’s voice and what he is telling me to do.

Please join me in praying for this opportunity that has been presented to me. Pray that I hear God’s promptings clearly with no confusion and that others don’t play on my fear, making me question his promptings.

When more information is available and things are put in stone, I will let you know more.

Thanks for praying!

Psalm 32:8– I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.